The funny thing is, Miranda explains on the FT Weekend Podcast, she is always living in extremes. The emotional intensity of the pandemic is not an exceptional experience. "I live and die by each day. That's my own intense little crucible that I'm going through.
Anxiety can feel like a high. A boundless surge that seamlessly makes its way into a day, so that you find yourself thinking in loops, jittery during an evening stroll. A fantasy of moving cross country and cultivating a small garden is triggered by an article you read a month ago about a horticulturalist named Alys Fowler who discovers her most vulnerable desires through long kayak trips. She is able to finally see herself—and through it, the life she wants—by gradually embracing the self-sufficiency required to traverse English rivers. Floating, she untethers herself piece by piece: from her marriage, from untrue identities, from her here-to-for land-based world. But self-sufficiency requires her to have control over the journey. She has to figure out the best way to bring herself through the water without leaving her belongings behind. The advice of her new kayaking friends leads her to a foldable bike and an inflatable kayak. She blows up the kayak to keep her afloat, then lets it sink into itself when it has supported her for the times she needs it. The kayak inhales, then exhales.
Emotions must go through their cycle in your body or else they get stuck. Alys exhales through her tangle of monumental questions about herself and her desires through paddling away. Does processing your life require your removal from it?
Jenn Shapland writes about her need for escape. When life becomes overwhelming, she finds herself in what she calls a "cleansing obsession." In her attempt to rid herself of feeling "allergic to everything" in her life, she exits. She never has a plan, other than to get in her car and let it take her somewhere. Often she is pulled to a desert. Usually, she ends up leaving for a few hours, maybe a day or two, tops. She drives until she feels alright again. But this time, without letting anyone know (she is hardly aware of it herself), she ends up renting a room for days on end in a Marfa motel, spending her days floating on her back in a pool.
That itchy feeling, an unnameable unknowable discomfort, can be intense. But Miranda July likes to embrace it, to find the joy in so much chaos. Miranda recounts a conversation she had with Sheila Heti. In it, Sheila asks Miranda: why have kids, if it seems she is always complaining about them?
Miranda responds,
Picture two souls in the afterlife—one has lived, and one has not—and the former complains and complains about their time on earth. The never-born soul feels so lucky that they never had to go through that. But the one who lived disagrees.
The born soul replies, 'Oh no, you don't understand. It as the greatest thing to get to live.'
References:
Miranda July, FT Weeknd Podcast, https://www.ft.com/content/464e4ab8-5555-424f-8bf8-8ebb5c8a2597.
Alys Fowler, "There is no such thing as coming out: it's a daily negotiation," The Guardian (March 25, 2017), https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/mar/25/coming-out-needed-to-be-somewhere-unfamiliar-alys-fowler.
Jenn Shapland, "Getting Over My Cleansing Obsession in the Desert," Outside (April 2, 2019), https://www.outsideonline.com/2391988/desert-cleanse-hot-springs.
Bréne Brown, Unlocking Us, "Burnout and How to Complete the Stress Cycle," https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-emily-and-amelia-nagoski-on-burnout-and-how-to-complete-the-stress-cycle/ (not referenced, but related).
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